death Family (Whoa!)


Mom has been gone for about a week and half.  I still haven’t cried.  Nette cries, here and there, most days, missing Mom.  Christine injured her eye and has those awful sunglasses they give you at the hospital… I was joining them in the suv when I see her, she looks exactly like our mom, huddled in a jacket that I used to loan Mom.  For a sec there, I thought it was our Mom.  We know she is gone but we are glad she is not suffering anymore.

Mourning is different for everyone.  Some are broken by death while others seem to be not broken at all.  No way is the right way.  Its not a one size fits all kind, of things.   My way is right for me and Nette’s way is best for her, neither is wrong.  I hope I do get to cry but its not going to kill me if I don’t.  I’m grateful that I had 50 years with my Mom and I’m going to miss talking with her.  Mourning doesn’t have to be this big thing, it can be quiet.  I have never went thru depression, so those with depression, it can hit them like a mack truck.  Remember that your emotional well-being will affect your health.  I had a simple cold but the day after, it got worse.  In the two years since my last health scare, I have been healthy-ish, no headaches, no dizzy spells, and no allergies but then wham!  I’m still sick-ish, 95% over this cold.

It took me longer to get over my brother-in-law’s death.  He was my best friend and my big brother who watched my back.  I lead a boring life so I never need his help in that regards, except for when we run into his drunk old uncle who wanted in my pants.  I will never forget my last words to him.  Me and Christine had taken him to the ER because his legs were hurting so bad.  They released him and so we went home.  The kids said, “I love you,” and went on to bed.  Ed turned to his wife, Christine, and said, “I love you,” and I was fixing to go down the hall, when I turned, and said, smart-alecky, “I love you too!” Messing with him like that was my hobby, so he grinned at me and rolled his eyes at me.  That was the last time I saw him alive.  I sobbed like a baby at his memorial service.  Every death is going to hit you different. And some days, you will think you’re over the worst part when bam! You’re back in the car with devastation rushing towards a telephone pole.

Crying doesn’t make you weak.  Sometimes you need a time out to mourn.  Some need more help than others.  You don’t know how you will react until it happens. Enjoy the time you do have and don’t forget to tell them how you feel, you might never get another chance.

Family (Whoa!)


Monday, I got what mere humans call a head cold. I was miserable on the scale of 1 -10 being the “corona”, I was at a 2. My nose wasn’t even runny just a bit stopped up. Nette was back home after spending a week in the hospital due to complications to an infecttion. Early Tuesday morning, around 2:30 am, Nette gets a call, saying that our Mom had passed away.

I wanted to cry like Nette was doing, but I couldn’t. I expect it will hit in the next week or two. The next few days, we have been telling stories about Mom. Being diabetic means emotional stress makes us sicker. My cold went from a 2 to a 5 by Wednesday and Christine got some sinus swelling in her eye. By Friday, she couldn’t see out the corner of her left eye. All I wanted to do is cough up gunk and sleep all day.

Mom was 72 and had been a diabetic for about 40 years. She had a learning disability which is why she didn’t graduate till she was 21. She wan’t overly demonastive or tell us she loved us every day but we knew without a doubt that she loved us. She had a killer “resting bitch face,” that scared most folks. She was super quiet, shy, a real homebody.

When I was 2, it was discovered that I had throat cancer. After more tests, it became not cancer but polyps. They were reaccuring and grew on the esophogus and windpipe, making me have numerous surgeries, mom says at least a hundred, by the time I was eighteen. When I was 3 till I was 6, I had a tracheostomy (tube in my neck) so I had to have constant care. Mom was the one who was there and made sure I had a normal childhood. She was always our biggest cheerleader. She taught us to keep moving, to not let anything stop us.

Her favorite color was brown. Who loves brown? But she did, She was a housewife to a man who was not faithful and very lazy. He couldn’t keep a job so when I was 14, she got a job in home health and kept at it till in her 50’s. When I was 17, us 4 girls ganged up on our father and kicked him out of the house. This was in the 80’s when sex abuse became known. She always believed us over him and never looked back. The last 8 years, she lived with Nette with EW showing up later. We let Ew mooch money off her so she could see her youngest daughter but our Mom knew we didn’t approve of her. We repected our mom too much to actively fight EW over stuff and it allowed Mom to play dumb over EW’s actions.

I think EW is going to be mad when we tell her that we are cremating our Mom, not burying her like she wanted. She had about 6 grand saved for her burial but last year she used it to tear down our childhood home that had become an eyesore. So whatevery money she had saved will go to pay for her cremation. She was always there for us and we will miss her alot.